Friday, September 14, 2012

Slipping

This is a post I wasn't sure I would go through with.  We all have those ones, right?  The ones we write, but never share?  I hovered over the publish button and got really, really nervous.  But I'm doing it... please bear with me... this wasn't easy for me to admit!

Last weekend I posted on my Facebook wall that the kids were driving me nuts.  I had just about as much as I could handle at that point.
To be honest, even though I gained a lot of support from other moms that felt the same way, it didn’t make me feel any better.  I very, very rarely get to "that point."  It's not in my nature… I can take a lot of crap before I get "there."  Usually.
I am not used to feeling so overwhelmed.  I've always felt strong enough to handle it all.  I do what I have to do and I don't complain.
But I am tired.

  
Many of you know Memphis' story. For anyone new here, basically the past 3 years were really hard on us (on me) as we struggled to figure out what was causing his behavioral & emotional outbursts.  In May of this year he was diagnosed as autistic.  Very high functioning, luckily… but still something that we are learning about and dealing with every single day.
What you may not know is that my husband was (is) dealing & struggling with depression.  All the while, I am trying to keep some sense of normalcy for Ruby… and priding myself on being the rock of the family. The strong one. 
Our summer went well.  We had some ups & downs… but overall, everyone managed quite well, all things considered.
I feel like I'm slipping now, though.
Slipping into a place I don't like.  I'm not depressed.  I appreciate the little things, and can be pretty optimistic.  I'm quite content (albeit a little stressed) most of the time.  I love my family and it hurts to know my "guys" aren't always okay.  I just feel like no matter what I do, it's not (or won't be) enough.   When Memphis is doing well, my husband isn't.  When my husband is okay, Memphis needs extra attention.  And we can't forget Ruby!  She needs me too…
Oh, and there's also my 9-5 job, housework, laundry, photo editing, blogging (not a "must" but a hobby that keeps me sane, usually!), homework, bathtime, worrying about bills… 
I like to keep things happy on the blog.  But I'm just at a point where I need to let go of it and put it out there.  I know you all have my back, and I thank you.  I cannot express how important my bloggy buddies and the online community are to me!  It is comforting to know others have "slipped" along the way too. 

I also want to take minute to thank Cassie of Live.Laugh.Love... she has been an angel and will be working with me as my new virtual assistant!  I don't consider myself a terribly "big blogger" but there are certain areas that she's going to be helping me out with! I hope she realizes what weight she has lifted from my shoulders by signing on to help me out right now!

It's definitely a small step in the right direction!
Please, if you are feeling overwhelmed... check out her packages & prices here!
 



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24 comments

  1. Oh Lena! I wish I could jump through the computer give you a big hug, pour a glass of warm tea or a margarita which ever one works better ;) and just sit and chat with you! I really hope things get better soon! Also, thank you so much for your sweet words - I am so glad I can take some of the pressure off of you.

    xoxoxo

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  2. I am so sorry! I am glad that you let it out and were honest. We are all here to support you even if it's just to say we care!

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  3. Hi Lena! I know what it feels like to be going through so much stress, and it's SO hard! I've been keeping up with your blog for quite some time and never would have guessed you were feeling this way. You're certainly one of my inspirations in this fun bloggy world, and I'm so happy that God has made you strong enough for all of your activities. Praying for you. :)

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  4. You will get through it all - you seem so calm and I believe you will get through this!

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  5. I just want you to know that I am sending you out so many warm thoughts! Here's also a huge hug from me to you! Chin up and know you are being thought of day in and day out! Much love!

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  6. It's not easy to be able to do everything and it can be a hard weight on our shoulders especially with children, work and blogging and house work too. I know it can be tough with your son, but I'm glad he has great days because I couldn't ever imagine what life must be like for him - in his own mind, what he thinks and feels. It's easy for us to guess or ask him, but it may be so different in his actual mind. Your doing a great job, always remember that - you are but one person :) And dealing with depression is so hard, I've dealt with it so much throughout life, but somehow I drag myself back up and keep moving on. And trying not to let another child feel left out can be a struggle. My oldest sometimes is overshadowed by my one year old & I feel bad, but I try to make the time up the best I can and she understands. We just have to make sure we communicate with them that we want to spend time, it just gets hard and we do the best we can. Some days, I want to pack it all in and forget my blog and photography and just do nothing. But, I know if I did that then part of me would become greatly un-happy as it's my release and my way of being just me. So, maybe sometimes being away from the blog to focus on you or Ruby or anything else wouldn't be a bad thing, just a release thing to make sure things are organized and won't bring any more stress into your life. It's not easy, but I know you can do it and you're doing a fantastic job already - just keep believing that!! Hugs xx

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  7. Even the strong rock of the family can have their moments. No one can just stay strong forever. Hang in there, it will eventually get better. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, maybe not even next month, but things will eventually get to where you can look back and marvel at how you made it through those dark times by the skin of your teeth. Life always has ups and downs and sometimes you just seem to be stuck in one of those "everything bad happens all at once" down times. I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. :)

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  8. You are an amazing wife and mother. Anyone in your position would feel overwhelmed at times. It's hard to be everything to everyone. Sometimes in all the hustle and bustle of life you are so busy doing everything else you forget to do you. I can't imagine how much pressure you must be under but what I can say is, there are a lot of people here for you. Any one of us would be there to be a sounding board for you. And know that you are not alone. My thoughts are with you.

    “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. Christopher Robin to Pooh”

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  9. your doing the best job! your a great mother, wife and the bestest big sister ever!! and a really great/cool/fun auntie :D

    Piper says:

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  10. Your family is lucky to have you as their rock - but sometimes rocks need a break too. Make sure you remember to take care of yourself from time to time.

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  11. Lena!!!! I am crying for you right now. I am so sorry that things are overwhelming and sometimes un-peaceful. You are one of the BEST bloggers I know. I would have NEVER thought you even have a bad day. You are helpful, sweet, loving and just a precious friend. And, you are a great Mommy. Your family is beautiful. I did see that on Facebook and I really thought nothing of the comment. Really. I say that to my husband a lot about our Daven. And we only have one kid. Our problem is ~ my husband is NEVER home. He's a dern work-a-holic and he sometimes looses the concept of what all I actually do for our family within the home. It's totally normal for you to vent and let it out. You need to do that. I like for things to be happy and upbeat on my blog too, but sometimes we have to share what is really happening in life and realize it's not always a "cupcake party" (or whatever happy thoughts you have). :) Life is hard. Parenting is hard. Marriage is hard. Would we change it...no. But, we all have to find it's happy-medium. I'm lifting you up in prayer. I hope it gets better. A lot of love for you, pretty girl. And, I'm with Cassie~ I would love to jump through this computer and hug you! ♥ ♥ ♥
    .:Stephany

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  12. Lena ... if you've read my blog, updates, pics ( and you have) for any amount of time you know I have been there. and get there often. my son wesley already had an in school suspension and school just started last week. same thing, his emotional outbursts and inability to control his temper and focus have caused his teachers to believe he is autistic. its so so slight that most ppl would just think we don't discipline him or something. that within itself is a battle, much less dealing w the rest of life. I'm always here for u if u don't want to whine publicly on ur blog :) u can talk to me!!

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  13. We are all human and can't be perfectly happy all the time. Especially, as moms, I think we put so much pressure on ourselves to keep it all together all the time, and it just isn't possible. I am the one in my family battling mild depression. And being a stay at home mom I still need to keep it together. Not an easy task. I opened up on my blog about it, so I completely know about that internal debate about whether to publish or not! http://www.laurascraftylife.com/2012/08/fake-it-until-you-make-it.html Hope you can find some relief soon. Make sure you take some time for yourself to recharge. You can't take care of others if you forget about taking care of yourself! :)

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  14. Hang in there, Lena... A wife/mother is the glue that holds a family together, and you are strong beyond words. Don't be afraid to lean on others if you need to, though. Thinking of you! xo

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  15. Lena, I'm new to your blog (following you through the mommy-brain mixer) but I am just so glad to have found you and to have read this post. It takes strength to be this honest, but it helps so many people you may not even realize! I can relate so much. I'm sorry to hear of the struggles you've gone through..mommyhood has so many challenges, and that's life in general. But I know the beauty of that is being able to feel so much joy, because we have felt sorrow. I also know that we are not given anything we can't handle! Stay strong, and when you feel like slipping, lift your head up & know you've got lots of other mommies here who will support you (me included!) :)

    So glad to *meet* you ;) look forward to reading more<3

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  16. Wish I could give you a big hug, sweet friend. It's so easy to be selective of what you share, isn't it? Your family is so lucky to have you and we are all so lucky to know you. Prayers for your whole family during this time!

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  17. You are such a strong wife and mama, but that doesn't mean you have to be perfect all the time. You have a great spirit and are so kind, I know this for a fact.
    The challenges of life can leave us so exhausted that we forget what really matters. Be sure to take care of yourself first. There is only one of you, so don't let her burn out.
    You rock, and as always I consider you such a close friend of mine, bloggy or otherwise. I'm going to say a prayer, and offer any help I can, although I'm sure the fabulous Cassie has got it under control.
    You are a big blogger my friend, in spirt, in commitment, and community. And we are here to help you in anyway we can.
    Thanks for the bravery in this post. Everyone has cracks, as long as they don't shatter us.
    XOXO
    Megan

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  18. Sending you happy thoughts sweet friend!!! It does seem like you hold it together so well and I have no doubt whatsoever that you are your family's rock. Hope things get better!!!!

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  19. You definitely are a "rock" but you can only take so much before it starts to wear on you! I hope things start looking up and you feel better soon!

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  20. This must be so hard for you and I'm grateful that you chose to share...wishing you all the very best! I'm confident that you all will get through this soon!

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  21. I am going through something very similar with my son, Asperger's has been "suggested" but I'm not sure if it is an official diagnosis. The outbursts are exhausting. I'm in that overwhelmed place right now too...as a single working mom it all rests on my shoulders. One day at a time,my friend . We will be fine!

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  22. I am so sorry you are dealing with so much right now! You are an amazing person and so strong. You have so much to deal with and no one looks down on you at all for having a hard time. Hang in there and know there are so many people here for you. Prayers and happy thoughts your way!

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  23. I am so sorry you are so overwhelmed right now! I wish i could give you a big hug right now. Just keep repeating it's a season it's a season even though in those seasons i usually just want to punch the person who is telling me it's a season (if i'm being perfectly honest)...so don't punch me ok? :) I appreciate your authenticity Lena.

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  24. I am late to this post but felt compelled to comment. I recently went through some struggles. Still struggling but so much better now . I want you to know you aren't alone. We all struggle, we don't all share it I will be keeping you in my thoughts. Us moms have to stick together.

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