Sunday, May 13, 2012

When Being A Mom Kinda Sucks

I know it's Mother's Day and I should blogging about all the wonderful things that come along with being a mommy... but today I don't feel like it.

I LOVE my children more than anything!
Being their mommy is, without a doubt, my proudest & most important achievement...
if you follow my blog, you know that by now.

On Monday, Memphis was diagnosed as autistic.
It was expected, and a long time coming.
We should have been happy to finally have the answer we'd been waiting so long to hear.
But it sucked anyway.
It breaks my heart that people might ''label'' him now and forget that no matter what the diagnosis is... it doesn't change who he ALREADY IS.

We are fortunate to have an amazing support system...
but this past week was tough.
Coming to terms that this isn't "just a phase" has been hard.
Even though we knew in our hearts these answers were coming.
It was a long, emotional week.
And on Friday night, something happened at soccer practice that shattered me.

Memphis plays in a group of 5-6 year olds.
Put a bunch of little boys on a field with ONE ball, and there will be some "scuffles."
Soccer is a challenge for Memphis, he's not overly sporty and I wasn't sure how he would handle the physical & competitive nature of the sport.  I debated about whether or not to sign him up this year...
but he NEEDS this.  Now more than ever.

A few months, ago... if he had gotten tripped or pushed on the soccer field, a MAJOR MELTDOWN would have undoubtedly occurred, and it would have taken an army to calm him down... but he's been working hard and I've seen a tremendous improvement.

Last night, however... there was a little boy on the opposing team that Memphis has had "issues" with in the past.  This little boy went to daycare with Memphis, and I've noticed some similarities between the two... like magnets they are drawn together... but that's not a good thing.  I was nervous the whole game.  They got a little rough once or twice, but the mother & I, or the coach stepped in to calm them down and I thought the game was going well...

BUT, another "parent" {or a boyfriend of a parent I should clarify}, came up to me after a group of the kids fell down in a pile over the ball next to the net to tell me that I should take Memphis home.
For one, the "scuffle" was purely accidental... none of the boys were to blame, and I was quick to get in there to get Memphis out of the situation before it became "something" more. I was a bit taken aback that this guy had approached with this "suggestion."

I would never allow things to get out of hand, and I would never put other kids in danger... my kid is not a monster.  I'm not making excuses for Memphis. His behaviour can be pretty intense, and I would never intentionally let him hurt someone and blame it on being autistic.  If I thought, for a second that he was about to get aggressive or have a meltdown, I would step in & remove him from the sitauation.  This is recreational soccer for kids, and the point is for everyone to leave the field happy.

The game was almost over and Memphis had done extremely well, all things considered.  Most importantly, he was having a GREAT time.  {you have no idea how happy it made me to see him playing this game with his friends... if you only knew how much we want him to "want" to play with others!}

So regardless of this man's opinion, I was NOT going to bring Memphis home before the end of the game.  Instead I made sure Memphis was calm (which he was), then we sat down for a minute or two to watch the end of the game.  When it was all over, he joined his team-mates to shake hands with the other team and have a team huddle... Memphis was very proud because he knew he helped his team succeed.  It's not winning or losing that made me so happy, it was that he "tried."  This from a kid who hates to do anything he's not sure he can excel at.  It's usually all or nothing for him.

But when all was said & done, I broke down.
Right there in the middle of the field... the tears started coming.
A few mothers & parents stopped to tell me that was that man did was uncalled for.
And they asked if I was okay.

It was all just too much.

I was ready to leave that field and never go back.
Pull the kids out of soccer entirely.

I got home and managed to explain what happened to my husband and he was furious.

Today, with clearer minds... we know what we have to do.

We will call the coach and explain Memphis' diagnosis.
My husband has switched shifts at work so that he will have Friday nights off to attend the soccer games.
He will stay near Memphis at all times, and if we think anything will happen/ escalate/ trigger him, we can pull him aside, calm him down and hopefully he can return to the game without any incidents.

Other people can mind their own business.
We're there for Memphis
And he needs this right now.

So, Friday night kinda sucked.
Being a mommy is hard sometimes.
Our hearts are so full of love for our children, that when someone says something or implies something negative about your child... the pain is so.much.more intense than if someone was saying something about you.

So, even though it's hard... and it sucks sometimes, I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Being a mother means loving & accepting the good, the bad... and the ugly!

I want to wish all of you a very Happy Mother's Day.
I hope this post wasn't a downer, but it's all I could think about this weekend.
We have the hardest job in the world... but our little ones make it so worth it!

My kids presented me with some beautiful handmade gifts on Friday and they are so awesome...
The daycare threw a smoothie party for the moms, so I celebrated that on Friday afternoon with Ruby and she made me homemade body scrub! I'm excited to use it!

Memphis gave me a beautiful potted flower, and his card made me laugh!  This kid knows me so well! 

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  1. How awful! It is NOT ok for someone else to back-seat parent your child. It makes me so mad when people do that. We've actually kicked people out of our playdate (even though their kids were just fine) because they didn't have any concept of appropriate boundaries. Glad you have a diagnosis and I hope that people really do rally around you with support. Your children are so beautiful and precious! We appreciate you, Lena!

  2. That sucks what happened at sucks that you are going through must really suck for Memphis when sometimes it will be beyond his sucks for family and friends...but ya know what, if anyone can work through this it's you Lena - you are generous, kind and loving towards your kids TO THE will all adjust and handle it well...stay strong xoxo

  3. I'm pretty sure being a mom is hard most of the time, but still so rewarding. Your son has two great parents. Eff that guy. People need to mind their business.

    You are lucky your kids are of an age to make you sweet cards and gifts. I can't wait for that. My kids made me poop diapers and a fat lip this morning. :)

  4. I'm so sorry that happened! All I can think of is how amazing you are for coming up with constructive solutions for that situation. You are an awesome mom to Memphis. I hope this blog can be a place of support for you through the ups and downs of the diagnosis...don't ever worry about it being a downer...we heart you!

  5. Happy Mother's Day hun! It sounds like you have had a very tough week and your heart is heavy. I think that you are making the right decisions with Memphis and honestly he's blessed to have such an amazing momma by his side. It's tough sometimes when we feel like we need to go into mommy protective mode but I know if necessary you are one tough momma. xoxo

  6. That boyfriend guy is such a jerk! There's one at every game/recital (whatever the activity.) It's the same parent who will come to me as a teacher and tell me a certain kid doesn't belong in my class, etc. It's so bad with this one dad in the community I teach in, that most of the families are playing football in neighboring cities to avoid this guy. Don't let that guy get you down. You're doing what's best for your son, and being on a team is so awesome for him!

  7. I'm ready to jump through this computer screen to where you are and find that guy. Unbelievable! You are an amazing mom and we all know your kids will always been taken care of the way that is best for them. Try not to let Mr. Jerkface bug you too much. He's not worthy of a place in your head. And it never hurts to have a loving, supportive hubby to vent to and back you up all the way.

    Happy Mother's Day Lena! We earn our mom badge everyday. Goods and not so good days, but the good always out weigh the bad.

  8. Sometimes it can be a good thing to break down in front of others, because then you get a chance to receive support and comfort you might not have gotten if you held it in and went home sad. I'm glad more people seem to be on your side than not!

  9. Oh Lena, Happy Mother's Day. That man is a douchebag. Excuse my language but he is. Apparently no one ever taught him manners. No matter what happens, Memphis is still Memphis. You are an awesome mother and he is beyond lucky to have you!! You did the right thing by letting him stay. Hugs lady - have a beautiful Mother's Day!!

  10. If that boyfriend cannot mind his own business, he should not be allowed to attend the games. These are little children and the adults get far too competitive and they forget why the kids are really there!!! I so H8 children's team sports because of the idiotic parents. Even in my kid's bowling league (of all places) the parents are too over the top and demanding of a win. Anyway, happy mother's day to you.

  11. I'm sorry that happened. My 9 year old son has a chromosomal syndrome that comes with behaviors similar to autism. We've dealt with more than our fair share of jerkface parents over the years. Bottom line- You do what is best for YOUR son and don't worry about the rest. If he's behaving safely and not out of control, hold your head up, ignore comments and enjoy watching him have fun. Don't trouble yourself with other people's ignorance.

    Being the parent of a child with challenges is not an easy gig, but let me tell you- you will appreciate the good times SO MUCH more than you ever thought possible. It takes tough skin and a will of steel but you can do it! I have no doubt that you will make sure Memphis gets everything he needs and that he succeeds!

    I'll be praying for you all. If you ever need anything, please reach out. There are so many parents in blogland with children who have challenges. It's a club nobody wants to belong to but I've found a ton of support!

  12. ((HUGS)) You are a great mom. That man is obviously ignorant. You know what is best for Memphis, keep doing what you are doing.

  13. Ah, other people telling you how to's one of those constant themes that has happened since the dawn of civilization. In all, I think you handled it well. You're being attentive, which is what every parents should do, autistic or not. I have known a handful of autistic folks in my life, of all ages, that you would NEVER guess were autistic. If Memphis can partake of a team sport like that (and even in my girls' soccer team when I was a kid we had several tussles), I don't think he'll be restricted by that label. Clearly, you and the hubs are working hard to keep that from happening, and that makes you both amazing people.

  14. Happy Mother's Day....that is motherhood--or even parenthood--the good, the bad and the ugly. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! You have a great perspective on the situation and your kids obviously love you. Keep fighting the good fight!

  15. Happy Mother's Day from the blog hop. Your story hits close to my heart. The best parents are the ones that know how to navigate challenging situations!

  16. oh. my. word. people seriously need to get a freaking clue. I can't begin to imagine ever telling someone to take their child home!

    I really appreciate the show Parenthood because I feel it does such a good job of depicting the reality of parenthood/family life.

    I'm sorry that you are having to go through this. I hope you are able to find good support in real life. you know you have all of our support online for sure!

  17. Happy Mother's Day! Virtual hugs to you. :)

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  18. I'm so sorry that man does not know how to mind his own business and worry about his own child. I think you are AMAZING, and I am so proud of you!

    I saw a quote the other day that I really love:

    Motherhood is the hardest job you will ever LOVE.

    So true. Hang in there love, and Happy Mothers Day!!

  19. You are an amazing Mama and I'm so sorry about Friday night!!! So glad your kids have you for their mom!!! Happy Mother's Day!

  20. You are so strong and amazing! This is truly what Mothers Day is about. Realizing that no matter what we love our children. Being a parent is the hardest yet most rewarding job on the planet yet you hold on to it with grace and love. Way to go you!

    This post also made me think of how much I want to work with Autistic children. I don't know why I have always wanted to do this, but I have. Thank you! xo

  21. Thinking of you friend! Memphis is so blessed to have you as a mom! Keep up the good fight! We all have your back!

  22. How awful! I am sorry this happened to you. It is terrible when someone tries to correct your parenting without tact, compassion and understanding.
    Love your blog and I am happy to have found it.

  23. I think what you did at the soccer game was so brave, and right. It is brave to stay and fight for your kids. I am so sorry for the ignorance of others. Don't let them get you down Lena. You have a precious family and I will keep you all in my prayers.

  24. You are doing the right thing! Other people are ignorant but by doing what you are doing is showing them you are better than them.

  25. I'm a new follower so I'm just now reading this but I definitely teared up reading it! You handled yourself with grace & I definitely would have lost it too if that were my daughter he had said that about. The fact that you have him in soccer is amazing & so beneficial for him. The progress he can make in that experience alone outweighs any negative comment some idiot makes! Stay strong & see that in the negative experience so many positives can come out of it & you can educate the blind into seeing what autism really is & that it doesn't mean your kid shouldn't be there! Proud of you & especially proud of how you problem-solved with great solutions!


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